Local Stoner Finally Discovers GPS After Years of Getting Lost
A Tale of Modern Cannabis Navigation
In a breakthrough moment that’s making waves across central New Jersey, local resident Tom (last name withheld to protect his dignity) finally discovered that his phone has GPS capabilities after spending three years trying to locate dispensaries in the Bound Brook area using nothing but hand-drawn maps and vague directions from his cousin’s roommate’s brother.
Valley Wellness, serving communities from Somerville to Bridgewater, has been watching this saga unfold with equal parts amusement and concern. “We’ve seen him drive past our location at least 47 times,” reports one amused staff member. “He would always be muttering something about following the big oak tree and turning left at the third squirrel.”
The revelation came when Tom accidentally activated his phone’s GPS while trying to take a selfie with what he thought was a rare New Jersey yeti (it was actually just a very tall mailbox). “Man, this is revolutionary,” Tom exclaimed, staring at his phone in wonder. “All this time, I’ve been using a map I drew on the back of a pizza box from 2019.”
The Journey to Modern Navigation
Tom’s previous navigation methods included:
– Following random dogs, hoping they’d lead him to cannabis
– Using cloud formations as directional guides
– Asking local pigeons for recommendations
– Believing that all dispensaries were located next to donut shops
The breakthrough has revolutionized Tom’s shopping experience, though he still occasionally ends up in interesting places when he forgets to charge his phone. Last week, while attempting to reach Valley Wellness in Bridgewater, he somehow ended up in a knitting circle in Flemington, where he reportedly spent three hours learning to crochet before remembering his original mission.
Valley Wellness continues to welcome all customers, whether they arrive by GPS, celestial navigation, or pure chance. “We’re just happy when they find us,” says a team member. “Though we do recommend using actual navigation tools rather than following random birds.”
For those inspired by Tom’s story but hoping to avoid similar adventures, Valley Wellness reminds customers that they can easily find their locations in Bound Brook, Somerville, and Bridgewater using modern technology – no pizza box maps required.
Remember: Always use reliable navigation methods when seeking your cannabis destination. Your local pigeons will thank you for not bothering them anymore.