As you and your partner explore the world of BDSM, remember that it’s always important to be respectful and to communicate. That’s especially true when it comes to setting up a scene.
You and your partner should discuss any kinks you want to explore together, and agree on roles, including the use of a safe word.
1. Know Your Limits
Navigating the world of BDSM can be both exhilarating and overwhelming. One of the first things you should do is establish your personal ‘limits’ to ensure that every kinky experience is safe and consensual.
Limits are something that you won’t touch with a ten foot pole (hard limits) and things that turn you on, or make you uncomfortable in a certain way (soft limits). It’s a good idea to start off small, then build up as you get more comfortable.
It’s also a good idea to have a’safe word’ during role play sessions if something goes wrong or you feel uncomfortable. It’s like your golden buzzer that will pause or end the scene and let you escape any unsafe situation.
It’s important to talk about your ‘limits’ with your partner, especially if you’re a newbie and they are an experienced BDSM practitioner. Some people like to write out a ‘BDSM checklist’ or use an online checklist to determine their hard and soft limits. However, this can be overwhelming for some people, so it’s better to talk about it in a face to face setting.
2. Know Your Partner
Whether they’re an experienced player or a total newbie, every participant in BDSM should agree upon and use a safe word. This is a word that you and your partner mutually choose to use to signal that you want to stop or take the scene in a different direction. This is especially important if you or your partner aren’t feeling well, feel uncomfortable, or have other reasons for wanting to end the scene.
Before you begin your kink journey together, it’s important that you and your partner are both on the same page about what turns you on (and off). Stewart recommends sitting down with your partner and creating a list of things you might like to try or have tried before—things that are a no-go, that turn you on and you are willing to do more of, etc.
It’s also a good idea to check in with each other throughout scenes to make sure that both parties are comfortable. Many kinksters use a stoplight system to keep in touch: red means stop, yellow means proceed with caution and green means go.
3. Know Your Toys
There’s nothing wrong with dipping your toe into BDSM, but if you do so, make sure that you know your toys. While fetish gear and handcuffs are often associated with this type of play, BDSM can encompass a wide range of activities, from bondage and discipline to sadism and masochism.
If you want to explore some of these more serious aspects, be sure that you and your partner have agreed upon the rules ahead of time and that you are both comfortable with each other taking turns as sub and dom, for example.
Alternatively, you could start with a more playful element like spanking (whether giving or receiving) and then slowly progress to more intense play. Either way, a quality leather toy such as this flogger from kink retailer The Stockroom is a great option, particularly for beginners since it’s gentle enough to warm up your tolerance.
Remember, too, that if you try some BDSM and decide it’s not for you, that’s okay! You don’t have to stick with it, but if you do choose to give up on it, be sure to take some time to reflect on why and learn from your experience.
4. Know Your Boundaries
As you and your partner embark on a new journey of bondage play and kink exploration, it’s crucial that each of you has clear personal boundaries. These are protective restrictions imposed on actions or behaviors that are either expressly prohibited or hardly tolerable in the course of play, such as tethered play or being degraded.
Getting to know your turn-ons and limits will help you better negotiate a scene with your partner, which is especially important if you’re new to BDSM. It’s also a good idea to establish a safeword, like “yuck” or “no,” that you can use together as a way to communicate when a scenario has gone too far.
Finally, it’s best to start slow if you’re trying something for the first time. For instance, if you want to try flogging for the first time, maybe start with a lighter blow and see how it feels before adding a blindfold on top of that. The key is to be open and communicative about your limits and how you both feel so that you can enjoy the experience safely.
5. Know Yourself
BDSM is an umbrella term that includes bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. These concepts may sound intense, but in the hands of an experienced partner who communicates about desires and boundaries in a judgment-free zone, they can be some of the safest (and most fun) forms of kink.
As a first timer, you’ll also want to practice your use of “safe words” with your partner before doing anything high-intensity. These are like a built-in buzzer you can hit when something doesn’t feel right or is going too far. “Apple” is a popular choice for this, or you can pick a word that arouses you in other ways.
While some kinksters are drawn to more extreme elements of BDSM, it’s important for newbies to remember that a kink scene doesn’t have to involve sexual intercourse. Even a simple game of verbal debasement can be erotic and psychologically satisfying for some. Just be sure to provide aftercare so that your submissive is able to recover from pleasure, pain, or discomfort. This will help them return to their normal lives feeling more empowered.